...Has finally bit me in the ass. Get ready for a long blog because I have to just let it all out. I gotta project waiting to be finished, but what the heck! It can wait.
Last night Mom and I went to watch Did You Hear About The Morgans? We were eating dinner when I told Mom that I really wanted to go back to FAME. So there I was giving out reasons why I wanted to go back. It's not so much about Ninya, Jenny, or Chuchie, it's all about the work. I miss them, that's true! But I miss the work too! I am not an office person. It's just now that I'm on a different track of writing that I miss EDITORIAL work. I spend 10 hours facing the computer and it sucks! I know I blogged about maturity and all, but I just have to be true to myself and admit that I love my old job. I never had qualms about my former doctor-boss, but I had qualms with my then Managing Editor. She made the work that I love, look like shit. I felt shitty about going to work and seeing her face all over again. And then there was her legion of devil friends. God! They made our lives a living hell! So there! I had to leave because the earth was literally swallowing me whole and ALIVE! And yes, I didn't want to be stuck in a quagmire. Things were getting hotter and more personal. So I had to get out. But I didn't want to get out of there without a job replacement. I didn't want her to think that I left because I backed down on her. NO WAY WAS I BACKING DOWN! Not to someone who I personally believe is lower than me! Yes, I do have pride. And it was something I didn't plan on swallowing without putting up a fight. So I waited ever so patiently to get the hell out. I told my Mom that 3 months after leaving, I still stick to whatever arguments I gave. But since the madwoman's gone, and a new day has come, I am prepared to go back.
Although I did apply in a TV station just last week, I am not pinning my hopes on the idea I'd get in there. I told my friend, Ninya, that I'd wait out the results and the end of my 2nd contract here at my current work, before I make another decision.
Anyway, all I wanted to talk about was going back, when the conversation turned to that one thing I know I could still do without. Amanda, one of my best friends, has always asked me about it, and all I could tell her was that I don't want to talk about it yet. To me the future is a scary thought and one place I'm scared as hell to imagine. I have always known that the future can be really tough on me, since I'm an only child and don't have any siblings to rely on. We don't have a house to really call our own, except the one in our province. My Mom won't leave any will because there's really nothing to write. We're not rich, but I've always been thankful that I've lived a very, very comfortable life, and that I got to study in good schools and all that. I've been blessed and there's no doubt about that. I'm blessed to have a Mom like her! :)
But there is one thing that scares me, and that is the day when Mom's gone. Where will I go? What will happen to me? Now, you see why I've been trying to avoid this topic? The mere thought of it stresses me out! I've been delaying and delaying thinking about this because seriously I don't want to know. It's one scary ass shit. I'm scared to think about being alone, to live with my Tito and Tita (which is still uncertain), I'm scared to fend for myself. Maybe this is the result of being so protected. I don't know how it is to be independent.
And this was also one thought that got me. I'm turning 25 this September, and I'm still alone. The thought of being alone in the future scares me. I'm not even sure if I'll get married and have a family of my own. I don't want that to happen to me. I love my Mom but I just don't want to live a single life. I want to have my own kids, because if that happens I really wouldn't feel all alone. I wouldn't have to go through life envying my friends who hug and kiss their kids. It's scary that at this late an age, I'm still single and I don't want it to be a sign of my living a solitary life perhaps living with an aunt and uncle.
Yes, I'm scared. And right now, I'm at work fighting off tears. It's my first emotional blog. Mom says that talking about it can make me feel better. But it doesn't. I have this thing that if I don''t talk about it, it will seem like it's not there. Like when a baby sees a toy, and then when you hide it, it seems like they never saw the toy at all. And right now, I'm getting pissed off with Amanda. I texted her last night about having lunch with her today. I wanted to talk about this problem, but she never replied. I sent her an instant message, she logged out. Great! When she has a problem I'm like right there for her. Now that I need someone to talk to, she's unavailable! Great!
Anyway...I think you all have gotten the gist of my problem. I feel pathetic writing it in a stupid blog! I have friends right? So why do I have to write it here? Oh yeah...they're unavailable.................