A Serious Contemplation

Since last year, I have been meaning to go soul searching, and I mean SERIOUSLY. Here I am exactly a week before turning 25, exactly a week before embarking on the so-called "Quarterlife Crisis" every 25-year-old-to-be fears. And yet, I sit and think that it shouldn't be feared at all. After all, Jacob Black said in New Moon, "Age is just a number, baby!" And with that ridiculously hot body, why shouldn't I believe him right?

But I have been seriously considering to take some time off..ALONE. And when I was talking to my mother about this last night, she actually allowed me, to go out and go alone. I totally need this. God has a plan for everyone, I believe in that saying. But right now, I am stuck in limbo, not knowing what God had actually planned out for me. And this is what I want, no, make that NEED to find out by myself.

I am in the phase I call "I am a stranger to my own self". Two years ago I would've bravely stood in front of you all and tell you while looking straight at you that I know myself. But today, I'm not so sure, I'm not sure AT ALL. What I can tell you about myself right now isn't exactly a pretty picture. I consider myself a mess, a weird, over paranoid, over thinking mess! I stress over the simplest of things. I get paranoid of what could happen an hour from now. I tend to look forward TOO MUCH to a future I'm not even sure of. And I don't want any of this anymore. I want to stop being an over paranoid, over thinking person.

Even happiness seems elusive. Don't get me wrong, I am very blessed, and I'm sure as hell know it. But being stuck in this phase makes one unhappy, and I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I want to start looking at what I have right now, at my present, with happiness. I know it's not too much to ask, I mean everybody is in pursuit of their own happiness. I know material things could make me happy, like finally getting an iPod or the puppy I've long since wanted to have. But the kind of happiness I'm in hot pursuit of right now is the intangible kind. The kind that makes you at peace with yourself. The kind that makes your mind at ease. The kind that makes you a much better person. Not over paranoid, and definitely not something that makes you over think.

I don't want to keep blaming that guy who made me like this. It's not his fault, and besides it was so long ago. What I have become right now is my own doing. I got hurt, fine. But it shouldn't turn anyone into an ugly person. I let myself get into this for so long I feel like I've been trapped, sucked in by this quicksand I feel that's residing in me. I want to be happy, and really be happy. And I want to know myself again. I want to be the carefree person whose happiness depended on the happiness of others. I want to break myself free from my own self.

I need time off. As I approach the ripe age of 25, I want to start it right. I want to change, for my own sake and my sanity. I want to reconnect with God because I feel that the moment I have reconnected my severed ties with Him, it's the time everything will open up to me. I am hindering my own personal growth. And I want to grow and be happy while at it. I want to be once again comfortable in my own shell. I want to be the friendly one again. I WANT TO BE HAPPY!

I need this, so I am definitely taking off to think and find myself. If I have to re-learn everything, I'd take it. If it would open my mind and let go of every inhibitions I have about myself and about life, bring it on.